Love Is Where It's At

Week 10: According to Love's book, the stats for my situation are as follows: - Forty to sixty percent of local recurrences occur at the original site. (Okay, so I'm relatively "normal.") - The risk of this happening in the first place, however, is only ten percent. (Evidentally, I'm among the unlucky.) - Approximately ninety percent of these recurrences happen within the first five years. (Amazingly, mine is right on time.) - Approximately eighty to eighty-five percent of women with a local recurrence eventually develop distant metastases. (Unless I manage to get into the other fifteen to twenty percent who make it through a recurrence without metasases, I'm looking at an early death sentence.) - To top it off, I quote: "Studies, both randomized and nonrandomized, have suggested, however, that if the recurrence can be removed and radiation given, the addition of systemic therapy such as tamoxifen or chemotherapy can lead to five-year remissions of thirty-six to fifty-two percent." (Where does this leave me?) It leaves me pissed-off and heartbroken, that's where. I can have the tumor removed, but since I had radiation the first time, I can't have it again. And because my "receptors" are negative, tamoxifen won't work on me. Can I make it another five years? I'd like to think by some miracle, I'll end up in whatever bracket suggests a longer period of remission. As much as I'd like to include a corny anecdote here, I can't identify any humor in this to mask the devastation I feel, and to try to keep my spirits up. The only solace I can find lately is in thinking about my beautiful daughter and how much I love her. She will be the reason I beat this thing -- mercilessly. She is my hope for the future.