Over at Last

Weeks 36-38? You may have noticed my absence lately. I continued my saga in silence these last few weeks. I haven't been in the mood for writing because writing means I have to admit I'm scared. Chemo is over and I know I'm supposed to be happy about that, and I am, but unfortunately my spirit is tempered by a sense of fear. Not having chemo means I don't have a security blanket anymore. As much as I dislike the effects of chemotherapy, I felt protected by it. Feeling sick meant I had the upper hand in this fight. I'm afraid the treatment will "wear off" and I'll be vulnerable again. The routine check-ups and tests will inevitably become less frequent and then eventually I'll be on my own again, like a normal person. That worries me. It turned out that my first cancer was a fierce opponent with enough strength in reserve obviously to rise up and challenge me a second time. So even if I withstand the battles, can I win the war? I never really thought about cancer in the first place; nor did I ever think about it coming back. But my body betrayed me both times. How can I trust that it won't let me down again? I'm imprisoned by the dread of another recurrence. Yes, I'm happy that chemo is over, but I need to learn how to cope for the long run.

I'm Published

Week 34: I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I'm published! Well sort of. The Dr Susan Love Research Foundation posted a link to my blog on their website. It's a little hard to navigate to, but if you want to see it, go to the webpage www.dslrf.org/breastcancer, click on Community & Connection in the left margin, then click on Personal Stories at the top of the section, and then click on Recurrence in the subheadings. Aside from the link to my fascinating and compelling blog that everyone wants to read, the Love website is a really great source of information about women's health -- so be sure to surf while you're there. (Is "surf" still part of the internet lingo or am I dating myself?)

Say NO to Obama

Weeks 33-34: I want to share a very real example of what will occur with small businesses everywhere if Obama gets his way with socialist medicine. And by that I mean "free for all" health insurance, not health care reform. I'm all for reform. My husband has co-owned and run a lawn maintenance/landscape business for over 20 years. Last week, their employee health insurance company sent them a bill for this year's policy. The cost is $40,000 higher than from the previous year. Yes, you read it right: FORTY THOUSAND dollars higher, in one year. Why? Because the insurance company had to pay for my cancer.
Basically the insurance provider passed its loss on to the policy holder. If this is what we can expect in the future, small companies will no longer be able to afford/be willing to provide insurance for their employees and we'll all end-up in the Obama health care line. Why would a business owner want to pick-up the tab when there's something else available for free at the expense of taxpayers and future generations, and on the backs of those individuals who make more income? Don't let it happen. Demand that our lawmakers get a handle on the lack of efficiency, fraud, redundancy, and waste within our Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and Welfare systems first. Cut-off ALL the fat. Eliminate the B.S. special interest proffers. That's right, how about if we clean-up our existing messes first? Let's systematically "re-form" the parts that are broken, not throw out the whole thing and start over. That's insane. I know, I know...it's hard to fathom coming from such a timid soul like me, but believe it or not, I have a lot more to say about where I think this country is headed. So stay tuned if you're interested in hearing me sound-off.

Update de Jour

Weeks 32-33:   Hey, all! I've been away for awhile. Many of you have been asking about my progress. Sorry I've been such a slacker. I've been busy with Cycle 5 chemo treatments, then being sick, getting lab work done, going on a mini-vacation to see my nephew in Atlanta for the 4th of July, and taking care of dogs. ...Remember if you need any dog training, boarding or walking, give me a call! I have one more set of 3 infusions/3 weeks to go! Hopefully, I'll finish on time at the end of July. It's hard to believe I've been undergoing this for five months. Time flies, even when you're not having fun. Some of my nails are dying and coming off. This far down the line I didn't think I'd have any new side effects, but surprises seem to lurk around every corner. The good news is my hair is growing back. The bad news is, it's more gray. I'm at the stage where I look like a quasi-fuzzy baby bird. I'm a dead ringer for an ostrich except that I have blue eyes and big ears (click here to see my resemblance).

I have this coming week off. Since I'm feeling better, I'm going to go out and see what kind of trouble I can get into.

The Treatment Continues

Week 31: Last week was great except for when I was told I have to resume chemo this week (today, in fact). I was hoping I'd be spared from more treatment. You'll recall that while I had a week off from the chemo tower, I had to go in for a visit with my oncologist to discuss my progress. Stephanie was out of school early that day, so she came with me to the appointment. After delivering the news of my having two more cycles of chemo (2 cycles equals 6 more infusions over the next 8 weeks), he entertained us with a couple of cool card tricks. The best one was when Stephanie drew a card randomly, took a pen and wrote her name on it, then placed it back in the deck. The doc shuffled a few times and then told her that the first card would be hers. He turned the top card over and said incredulously, "oh no, that's not it!!"   "Okay, I think I made a mistake. It's the one on the bottom." He flipped the deck over and, "wow, what's going on? That's not it either!!" At this point Stephanie thought she had him beat. He went through the entire deck one card at a time looking for her card. When he was out of cards, he said to her "oh my gosh!...now I remember what happened to it." Then he removed his shoe and inside was a folded-up card. He took it out, unfolded it, and there it was, Stephanie's card. We were both very impressed. That was one of the best card tricks I've seen. And it was a good way to distract us from why we were there. At the end of the week, we went to Kings Dominion and the beach as planned. Unfortunately, I don't have time to provide details about these excursions at the moment, but if I'm inspired later, I'll fill you in. Gotta run. Nurse Nam and the rest of the infusion center staff await me.

Another Day, Another Victory

Week 30:   Yea, baby! Another one bites the dust. Finished my Day 15 toxins today. Cycle 4 is history. The infusion seemed to take forever because I was restless. I have to take "anti-allergic reaction" medicine and it wires me out. But now I'm free...no toxins next week! My chemo appointment will be replaced by a visit to the onco to check in and see how things are going. Rumor is, it'll be judgment day in terms of whether or not I need to continue with more treatment. We'll see how well it's working and go from there. I know it seems odd - even contradictory - to say this, but somehow despite the outward signs of the pounding my body is taking, I feel "strong" on the inside. I feel like my organs are handling the poison pretty well. As long as all of my parts are cleansed, I'll be happy. We shall see.

Purple Puff-n-Stuffed

Week 29: This week I'm battered but not beaten, so I soldier on. I was feeling pretty good until I had my Day 8 of Cycle 4 chemo last week. Imagine that. Now suffice it to say that besides feeling sick in general, I'm as bloated as a submarine sandwich, and I'm so bruised I look like I was flogged with a stick of nails and a bicycle chain. My body needs a break, but I'll have to get through this cycle first.

If my blood work comes back okay when I go in for testing tomorrow, I'll have my 12th infusion this week and get a day off next week! That should work well since it'll be Stephanie's last week of school. Then it's off to Kings Dominion for a day of thrills and spills, and hopefully no vomit, followed by a trip to the beach. Everyone else will be staying for a week or more, but I'll have to come home early for my next injection. It's a little disappointing to have to cut it short. I don't think I've spent a full week at the beach since I was about twelve. At least I'll get a few days of R & R before hitting the needle again.

I'll let you know how things go.

I Did My Homework, Now Let's Party

Week 28: Had chemo today (Thurs). Day 1 of Cycle 4. I'm officially over the half-way hump with only 8 infusions and 10 weeks to go! Unfortunately, it took me this long to realize that the drugs I'm being given are dangerous. This is serious business. The nurse was going over the standard questions they ask me every time I go in for treatment when I noticed the warning on her laptop screen that read: HIGH ALERT. HIGHLY TOXIC. Beneath it was my Taxotere dosage listed at 60mg. Alarmed by this, I went home and double checked what I read previously about Taxotere -and then some. I realized that when I did my initial research about chemo, I only checked what the drugs were, how they worked, and what the side effects were. I never checked dosages. The high end of the dosing proposed by the manufacturer is 100mg per infusion followed by three weeks off, and that's when it's the only drug being administered. In comparison, I'm being given 60mg for three weeks with only one week off (plus I'm receiving platinum-based Carboplatin). That's down right scary and I have to question why my treatment is so aggressive. I suspected from the beginning that, although my onco doesn't have a crystal ball and therefore wouldn't admit it, he probably thinks there's a good chance a have cancer cells floating around my body that could metasize elsewhere. While I remain positive, I admit that I have a nagging sense that that's what my future holds. Having cancer a third time would be a harsh reality to face, and it only underscores the concept that one really should try to live life to the fullest. In fact, whatever your lot in life, there are a few things we should all keep in mind. My mother-in-law recently shared this in an email and I think it's befitting of our time here on on earth. Granted, I modified a few words to suit my tastes. Some of you may have read or heard something similar:           "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather, to skid in sideways with a margarita in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO," what a ride!" Lipservice doesn't count. Get out there! If I can be the lone adult taking beginner springboard diving lessons with a bunch of 6 and 7 year kids (while sporting a bald head that's still sunburned and peeling from my day in the sun on Mother's Day a week prior), I can do anything. And so can you.

Happy Mother's Day

Week 27: Just wanted to wish all of the moms out there a very special, "Happy Mother's Day." I woke to Stephanie bringing me a pint of strawberries on a tray for "breakfast in bed." It was very sweet and unexpected, especially for a 7-year old, and she did it all on her own. Too bad when she attempted to clean up, the leftover tops fell all over the bed and stained the sheets. I made fun of it and chuckled so she wouldn't feel bad. Spent the rest of my day relaxing and drinking champagne with my mother and sisters and clan. I also roasted in the sun. I do believe this is as burned as I've ever been. I guess the strength of the sun was deceiving given the mild temperature. So I learned my lesson early in the season. From now on, no more hanging out without sunscreen. I'm on my "week off" from chemo now and looking forward to some renewed vigor. Just in time for the springboard diving lessons I'm taking with Stephanie.

Six Months and Counting

Week 26: I can't believe six months have passed since I first watched the news segment about self breast exams and then found what I thought was a lump in my "good" breast. As we all know, it turned out to be nothing. Instead, I had a recurrence of cancer in my other breast that, ironically, would've gone undetected for who knows how long had it not been for the false alarm. Yep; a half a year has gone by and I've been living and breathing cancer on a daily basis. If it wasn't part of my identify before, it certainly is now. There's no denying cancer is my life. The sad part is that I'm not even half-way through my chemo. It will be at least another three months of treatment, and that's provided my body keeps pace and allows me to stay on track. Never mind that it'll be years before I get back to "normal" again. Just when I thought I was on the brink of being back in working order, this comes along.

Back are the days of being tired, sick, and weak. Think of having a hangover every day. Back are the whacked-out hormones, the miserable hot flashes and the cold sweats at night. My thermostat can't regulate itself. Back are the injections of Neupogen and the headaches and bruising that come from them. The nose bleeds continue to plague me although thankfully they seem to be on the decline. My hair has proven itself tenacious but more recently, my eye lashes have started falling out. (It's remarkable how much your eyes water naturally. You only notice when you don't have anything to hold it in.) My oncologist also put me on a prescription for Vitamin D. That's a new one. At least all these side effects keep things interesting. I can't wait to see what's next. On a lighter note, the infusion center was moved to a brand new suite in the hospital. Beautiful space. Everything is clean and new and improved. Even the IV carts are ergonomic. It's on the top floor of the office pavilion. Rather than brag that we're in the ivory tower, I believe I'll just dub it "the chemo tower." Those of us who walk through it's hallowed halls are fortunate. I say fortunate because we're reminded that we shouldn't take life for granted. It's a blessing.