Just Finished My 36th Infusion

 
Hi all.  I've officially completed 9 cycles of chemo.  That's 36 infusions since December 2010, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer for a third time.  I have no idea how many more infusions lie ahead.  Until they stop working, I suppose.

Speaking of them not working anymore, I had a PET scan earlier this week and I'm worried.  Two previous scans showed I was making good progress.  Tumors were shrinking in size or "fading" in density (my translation).  It felt great to hear.  I was ecstatic.  This time, however, I'm really nervous about the results.  I know the clock is ticking.  I know the ride can only last so long. Eventually the chemo train will return to the station.

If I'm reading them right, some studies of the clinical trial drug I'm being given report that patients lived about 5 months longer, on average, than if they hadn't received the drug.  And if I've extrapolated the numbers correctly, the benchmark for starting the 5-months-longer meter is 7 months.  I'm at the end of my 7th month.  I'm terrified that the effectiveness of my chemo has either slowed or already stopped working and that the 12 month window is closing-in on me.  But it's not the studies that are influencing me, at least not consciously.  Rather, it's my intuition that's eating at me, and I pray it's wrong.

I meet with my oncologist on Monday, August 1, to discuss my scan results.  For the first time, I almost don't want to know.  I'm feeling down but I know I must press on.  "I can do it.  I can beat this thing."  It's all I can think about.  There will come a day when I can no longer outrun this. There will be a time when I'm too weary to fight anymore.  But fortunately, today is not that day.
   .